Relationship Rules

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.
It's clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I'm using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem--again.
From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them--but life will.
* Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
* Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
* Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
* Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
* Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
* View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team--your differences.
* Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
* If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
* Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
* Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
* Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
* Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
* Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
* Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
* Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.
* Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness.
* Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial--highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic--but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
* Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We're all dependent to a degree--on friends, mentors, spouses. This is true of men as well as women.
* Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work--paid or volunteer--has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
* Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
* Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take.
* Stay open to spontaneity.
* Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
* Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
* Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.
* Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.



Last Updated: 10/28/2004
Copyright © 1991-2007 Sussex Publishers. All rights reserved.

40 Hottest Beauty Tips of All Time

Best Ever...Hair Sexifying Tricks
From Cosmopolitan: August, 2004


1. To give your blow out lots of sexy volume, hold a round brush vertically and wrap two inch sections of hair around it as you sleeken your strands, says Edward Tricomi, co-owner of Warren-Tricomi salons in NYC and Greenwich, Connecticut.

2. The key to a really amazing haircut is to ask your stylist to snip your ends so they’re slightly jagged instead of perfectly blunt. This will give your hair a hot bedhead texture, says New York City salon owner Oscar Blandi.

3. To make straight or wavy strands look sexy in an undone sort of way, blow-dry your hair without using a brush. This will bring out your hair’s natural texture, explains Ted Gibson, New York City salon owner and celeb stylist who works with Angelina Jolie.

4. The best way to score shiny locks is to get a clear glaze treatment at the salon. It’ll seal your hair’s cuticle so it reflects a ton of light, reveals Edward Tricomi. A do-it-yourself alternative: Use a no-ammonia hair-color kit in a shade that matches your tress hue. We like L’Oreal ColorSpa, $6.29

5. To get the most eye-catching highlights, ask your colorist to give you streaks in several different shades of the same color family. This multihued technique gives your hair color a lot of depth and contrast, explains Blandi.

6. An easy way to make hair look satiny smooth: Apply a dab of silicone serum to damp strands, then distribute it using a mixed-bristle brush before blow-drying, says Tricomi. Try Joh Frieda Brilliant Brunette Shine Shock, $6.

7. For the ultimate sex-kitten ponytail, follow this strategy from Sher Rae, a celeb hairstylist who has worked with Britney Spears. Spritz a volumizing spray on the roots of dry tresses, then use a fine-tooth comb to tease the hair around the crown of your head before you pull it into a pony, she says. We like Big Sexy Hair Backcomb in a Bottle, $18.

8. The quickest and easiest way to give already blow-dried strands a more full-bodied look is to flip your head over, mist the underneath layers with hair spray, then come back up and shake it out, says Danilo, and L.A. hairstylist who works with Gwen Stefani. He uses Physique Volumizing Hairspray, $7.

9. To tame unruly curly hair, run a smoothing serum through damp strands, then pick up two adjacent one-inch pieces of hair and twist them around each other from roots to ends. Do this all over your head, let your hair air-dry, then gently separate the sections with your fingers, says NYC salon owner Antonio Soddu. Try Curl Friends Smootherator, $21.

10. If you wear your hair up a lot, ask your colorist to give you some highlights on the underneath layers. The streaks will brighten up a basic ponytail or updo, advises Kathy Galotti, color coordinator at Louis Licari in NYC.

11. To give silky, straight strands a sexy, piecey look, mist a texturing spray onto your palms, then run your hands through the length of your hair, says Blandi.

12. When blow-drying your roots, use your brush to lift them up from your scalp in the opposite direction than they naturally fally. It’ll give them more height and body, explains Danilo.

13. Add shimmer to your strands to score a superglam effect for a night out, says Dan Johnson, color director for Elizabeth Arden. To do: If you’re blond, use a damp makeup sponge to apply a champagne-hued eye shadow on small sections of hair around your face from roots to ends. If you’re a brunette, use a gold shade.

14. One secret to a salon-quality blowout that’s soft but still bouncy: Shampoo your roots only, says Harry Josh, a celebrity stylist who works with Gisele. After washing your hair, apply conditioner to just your ends, and rinse. This will prevent your locks from becoming dried out or weighed down.


Best ever...Mesmerizing Eye Moves
15. An evening eye effect that looks gorgeous on everybody: Define your eyes with a soft gray liner, then apply a shimmery pale blue shadow to the eyes’ inner corners and on your brow bones, says celeb makeup artist Trish McEvoy. She created Trish McEvoy Eye Definer in Charcoal and Eyeshadow in Ice Blue, $15 each.

16. Bring out any gold flecks in your eyes by applying a bronze-hued eye shadow right above your upper lashes, says Beth Bender, a NYC makeup artist who has worked with Jessica Simpson. Try Maybelline New York Roller Color in 14 KT Shimmer, $6.50

17. Make your eyes look big and bright with this tip from L.A. celeb makeup artist Elaine Offers. Apply one coat of black mascara, then add a layer of navy mascara over it. The blue hue will bring out the whites of your eyes.

18. Fatten your lashes in seconds by holding your mascara wand horizontally at the very tips of your lashes, then batting them against the brush, says Regina Harris, A New York City makeup artist who has worked with Uma Thurman. A mascara we love: Cover Girl Fantastic Lash, $5.50.

19. Trace the insides of your upper eyelids with black liner, then blink a few times to transfer the color to your lower rims. This will make your lashes look lush and enhance the natural shape of your eyes, says Paula Dorf, creator of Paula Dorf Cosmetics.

20. The essential first step for making any eye effect look amazing: Pat concealer over your lids and brow bones and into the inner corners of your eyes. This will even out your skin tone, lighten up the eye area, and give your shadow a base to stick to so it will stay put.

21. For lashes that look really long and feathery, first swipe mascara over just the very tips of your fringe. Let dry, then apply another layer or two, this time coating the entire length from roots to ends, says Barbara Stone, a top makeup artist for Bobbi Brown.
Best ever...Radiant-Skin Secrets
22. To wake up with a dewy glow, was your face before bedtime, drape a towel over your head, then lean over the sink for about five minutes while running the hot water, says NYC dermatologist Paul Jarrod Frank. Next, apply a hydrating face mask. Then hit the sheets and rinse off in the a.m. Try Astara Golden Flame Hydration Mask, $39.

23. The best way to look instantly radiant: Mix a bit of liquid bronzer with your foundation or tinted moisturizer before applying it to your face, suggests Nick Barose, a New York City makeup artist who works with Mischa Barton.

24. For realistic sun-kissed look, dust a golden red powder blush on the aples of your cheeks using a full, rounded brush, says New York City makeup artists nancy Sprague. Try Nars Blush in Exhibit A, $22.50

25. To give your cheekbones a sculpted look, first blend a pale shimmer onto your cheekbones, then blend a rosy cream blush on the apples of your cheeks. Finish by swiping bronzer along the hollows of your cheeks, says Tracy Murphy, the New York City makeup artist who created the look on page 198. Just use a light touch so it looks natural. A combo to try: Too Faced Pressed After Glow, $24, Estee Lauder BlushLights in SunLight, $25, and Dior Terra Bella Sun Powder, $33.

26. For a foxy flush that lasts throughout the day, apply a cream blush on the apples of your cheeks, then top with a sweep of pink powder blush in a similar hue to lock in the color, says Dorf.

27. This killer mask will leave your skin looking flawless: Mix a mashed up papaya with some honey, and pat it onto your face. Leave it on for 15 minutes, then rinse off, says Christine Chin, a NYC facialist who works with Penelope Cruz.


Best ever...Lip-Enhancing Tips
28. The no-fail formula makeup professionals rely on to make lips look their fullest: First, fill them in with a lip liner that matches your natural lip tone, then apply a layer of gloss that is one shade lighter than the liner, says McEvoy. A good combo: Clinique Sheer Shaper for Lips in Sheer Rose, and Glosswear in Tenderheart, $13.50 each.

29. For a sexy lip look that stays put all day, dab a long-wearing lip color onto your mouth and blot with a tissue immediately after application. Then add a layer of clear gloss to seal in the color, says Harris. We love Max Factor Everlites in Tender, $9.40.

30. You can draw attention to your lips by applying a cream shimmer on the V spot right over the center of your upper lip, reveals Harris.

31. A simple way to pump up your pout: Apply an opalescent, shimmer-flecked gloss over any lip color, says Murphy. It’ll reflect lots of light and make your lips appear plumper. Try Lancome Juicy Tubes Pop in Fruity Pop, $15.50.
Best ever...Soft, Glowing Body Moves
32. To make sure your defuzzing session leaves your legs supersmooth, try using a shaving brush to apply your shaving cream. It’ll create tons of lather, which lifts the hair from the skin, so it’s easier to remove, explains Myriam Zaoui, co-owner of the Art of Shaving.

33. The secret to the ultimate head-to-toe glow: Have a pro give you an airbrush tan, says Dana Minkin, owner of the Gloss Day Spa in NYC. You’ll look amazingly golden (it’s about $65 for body and face but worth it for a night when you need to look your very hottest). At-home alternative: Use sloughing hand mitts and an exfoliating scrub on your entire body in the shower, then apply a self-tanning lotion post-shower.

34. To make your breasts look luscious in a low-cut top, dust a bronzer into your cleavage, then s weep a pale shimmery powder over the tops of your twins. Try Dessert Deliciously Kissable Body Shimmer in Dreamy, $34.

35. To get velvety-soft skin, pour powdered milk into your bath water, says Tara Oolie, ownder of the Just Cam Down spa in NYC. The lactic acid will exfoliate your skin, leaving it feeling silky. 36. Get an extrasmooth bikini line for a date that’s going to go all night by warming an essential oil between your palms then applying it to the area after waxing or shaving, says Minkin. Try Dr. Hauschka Moor Lavendar Body Oil, $25.
Beauty Lessons From the Red Carpet Hot celebs pull out all the stops to dazzle at big-deal events. Use these four strategies to look stunning for your next night on the town.
37. Illuminate your eyes by blending a silvery white shadow t the inner corners and along your brow bones (as Beyonce has done here) 38. The secret behind a beaming complexion like Mandy Moore’s: pearlescent highlighter applied all over her face and a sheer pink blush on the apples of her cheeks. 39. Max out your lashes by using a fake fringe, either at the center of your lash lines (as J.Lo wears here) or at the outer corner’s.

40. To turn heads, match your eye effect to your party dress, like Charlize Theron did here: Just pick a very sheer shimmery shadow.

IF YOU WERE TO REWRITE YOUR WEDDING VOWS

By H. Norman Wright,
"Quiet Times with Couples"


Imagine for a moment that your wedding to your partner is taking place
today. If you were to rewrite your wedding vows now, what would you commit
to and promise to do? Before you think of your own answers, consider these
that other couples have written.


* "My commitment to you is to listen to your concerns each day for the
purpose of having the kind of marriage we both want."


* "I realize that our love will change. I will work to maintain a high
level of romance, courtship, and love in our relationship.


* "I pledge myself to confront problems when they arise and not retreat
like a turtle into my shell."


* "I commit myself to you in times of joy and in times of problems. We
will tackle and share our problems together."


* "I promise that I will never be too busy to look at the flowers with
you."


* "I will respect your beliefs and capabilities which are different from
mine and will not attempt to make you into a revised edition of me."


* "I will be open and honest with you, and I desire you to be the same
with me."


* "I will reflect the Word of God in my relationship with you."


Which of these would you select for your marriage? Take a few moments
and write out some new and additional vows. Many couples do this each year
as they celebrate their wedding anniversary. It adds a new dimension to the
commitment of marriage. With all the interference and distractions we
encounter each day, we need lots of reminders to make our marriage a
priority for the glory of God.


"A faithful man shall abound with blessings" (Proverbs 28:20).