The Happiness Habit

By Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., Prevention

I've spent several New Year's Days sitting on the floor surrounded by stacks of magazines, piles of pictures, and assorted glue sticks. No, I haven't regressed to kindergarten. Every year I make a "treasure map": I cut out images that remind me of how I want to live in the coming year, make a collage on poster board, and then display the map where I can see it daily.
Treasure mapping is a wonderful tradition that can help you make your dreams come true. The first time I made a map with friends, one of them pointed out that it looked like a tribute to Mother Teresa: lots of images of helping others, but virtually no images of relaxation and fun. It was great feedback—and I made an immediate adjustment to my workaholic tendencies.
Whether it's a onetime event to celebrate a rite of passage or a monthly gathering where your friends meet in a circle and speak from the heart, rituals can help you live a more fulfilling life. They can even expand your sense of time—lifting you out of the mad rush of errands and demands and setting you down in a seemingly endless moment of deep connection to your loved ones. You can draw on those special experiences for strength, wisdom, and good feelings whenever you're in need. This year, improve your life by creating a few simple traditions that honor your heart and help you connect with people you care about. Here are five to inspire you.
Team up for chores
In early America, barn raisings were feats of incredible productivity but also wonderful social occasions. Sue Merriman, 54, a landscape designer and full-time mom, has given the idea a modern twist. Every Wednesday she gets together with her friend Devra Laner, 47; sometimes another friend joins them.
The women alternate houses, and the host picks a task that's time-consuming, difficult to pull off alone, or just no fun—and therefore never gets done. Any project is allowed, although as Sue says, "At first, nobody thinks they can invite friends over to clean the grease out from under the stove."
The women have done a lot of cleaning, organizing, and gardening in the past three years, but the work's been companionable instead of onerous—full of laughter and talk. "We wanted to be able to see each other and we had to get things done," Sue says. "So we decided to do both."
Hold a swap meet
At the end of every winter, Laura Gilbert, 30, and several friends do an annual closet purge. But before taking the castoffs to charity, they make them an excuse for a party. One by one, the closet gleanings are inspected and tried on by the women, who range from a size 2 to a 12.
"You see four different bodies in the same dress, and you realize, wow, stuff doesn't always look best on the one who's the skinniest," Laura says. "You start to appreciate what does look good on you instead of beating yourself up because something doesn't."
And it's like having a roomful of personal shoppers. "There's a piece of clothing you'd never look at twice, but your friends say, 'No, you must try it on'—and when you do, bam! It's wonderful."
Have a dinner exchange
When Suzanne Beyer's children were in grade school, life was a perpetual sprint. One day, she and neighbor Karen Johns came up with a solution: "We thought, Why not exchange dinners once a week? That way, we'd each have one night when we could get caught up and be served dinner in gourmet fashion."
So Suzanne and Karen would check their schedules for the day most jam-packed with sports practices and music lessons; that evening, a meal would arrive from across the street. "We never told each other what we were preparing—it was always a surprise," says Suzanne, now 62. "It didn't take any extra money or effort, and it gave us each an hour and a half extra that day. We both loved it, but I got the better end of the deal—she's a fantastic cook."
Search for more happiness on MSN Health & Fitness
Share a journal
Writer Melissa Walker, 29, and her mother have a beautiful way to stay in touch: They connect by writing letters in a journal, which they send back and forth. Melissa got the idea when she was 23 and far from home.
"My dad and I would talk on the phone—Mom would say hi but was often rushing around to get dinner. I thought it would be a great way to hear some of her inner thoughts." Since Melissa's dad died a few years ago, their routine has become even more special.
"Now we often write memories—little 'thought of Dad today because?' stories," Melissa says. "And it makes me feel connected to both my mom and my dad on some level."
Retreat once a year
A decade ago, Sandy Shapiro and three friends from junior high celebrated their 35th birthdays by going to a dude ranch in Arizona. They ate lots of steak and potatoes, talked nonstop, and decided they'd do it again in 5 years.
"A few months later, one of my friends [was diagnosed with] stage 3 uterine cancer," Sandy says. "There were marital issues and babies born, and it became clear that life was too short—we needed to meet every year." So each winter, they get together for three or four days. "These women are like family. The loyalty and love is really intense," Sandy says. "It's so nice to come back to that on a regular basis."
Daily habits to lift you up
Instead of flicking on the news when you wake up, start with five minutes of your favorite music. It's a wonderful way to move more smoothly from your dreams into a creative, productive day.
Every evening, empty your pocket change into a jar; when the jar gets full, give the money to a favorite charity. You'll declutter your nightstand and purse while keeping in touch with the things you value.
After a day at work or doing errands, pause for a transition as you enter the house. Keep a pair of comfy slippers in the entryway so you can shed your business shoes and persona, or light a scented candle in the living room and take a minute to enjoy the fragrance.

THE TEN FAUX PAS OF FITNESS

Your time is valuable, and for each precious moment you put into your workouts, you want to ensure you get the best possible return on your investment. So, are you getting the results you want? If your body isn't as lean or toned as you'd like, it may be that you're committing some key training mistakes, which can sabotage the efforts of even veteran exercisers.
Of course, you probably know the more obvious mistakes to avoid. For instance, skipping your warm-up may cause you to fatigue early, preventing you from realizing your potential. Furthermore, leaning on the stair climber or elliptical trainer may allow you to stay on longer, but it drastically reduces the challenge to your lower body as well as the number of calories you burn. But what about the less obvious errors you may be making? Here, we'll discuss some of the more subtle -- yet no less serious -- faux pas of fitness and the strength-training exercises most frequently flubbed, and show you how they can be fixed with nearly effortless corrections.

THE TEN FAUX PAS OF FITNESS
People make small but costly mistakes when exercising every day, and one tiny change can have a huge impact on their results, says Los Angeles–based trainer Ken Alan, a spokesman for the American Council on Exercise. Thanks to Alan and the panel of training experts who weighed in on these faux pas and fixes, you'll error-proof your exercise and see tremendous payoffs, and the time you invest in your workouts will be smart and well-spent. We begin with five errors often made in your approach to exercise, then we'll take a look at five moves frequently flubbed.

THE APPROACH
1. The faux pas Getting married to your strength routine
The facts If you do the same routine over and over, your muscles will simply adapt; you're likely to hit a plateau because each exercise stimulates only a limited number of muscle fibers. However, if you challenge your muscles from a variety of angles by adding or alternating moves periodically, you'll get significantly more fibers into the act and develop more tone and strength.
The fix For each muscle group, learn an additional 2 or 3 exercises, trying new angles and equipment. (If you can't get instruction from a trainer, there are plenty of books and videos organized by routine for each body part.) For instance, if you usually do the dumbbell chest press on a flat bench, try it at an incline. If you normally use the chest-press machine, try the dumbbell chest press or the bench press with a barbell. Expand your repertoire enough so that you can change your entire routine every 6–8 weeks.

2. The faux pas Performing your reps too quickly
The facts If you zoom through your repetitions when strength training, you'll be using momentum instead of muscle power. You won't get the same stimulus for muscle building, and you won't burn as many calories. You'll also be more susceptible to training injuries such as torn muscles or connective tissue.
The fix Take 6 seconds to perform each repetition: 2 seconds to lift the weight and 4 seconds to lower it. (Since you have gravity to help you lower the weight, you need to slow down even more on this phase in order to give your muscles a sufficient challenge.) Our experts agree that slowing down is the single most significant change you can make to get better results from strength training.

3. The faux pas Exercising too hard, too often
The facts If you don't rest enough between hard cardio or strength workouts, you'll stop making progress and may even lose some of the fitness you've gained. You're also likely to burn out on exercise.
The fix To keep your muscles fresh and your motivation high, alternate shorter, tougher cardio workouts (for instance, 20 minutes) with longer, easier days (40–60 minutes). Don't go all-out more than twice a week. Keep in mind that the more intensely you train, the more time your body needs to recover. It's a good idea to do a couple of tough workouts and take 1 day completely off each week. On the strength-training front, take at least 1 day off between sessions that work the same muscle group.

4. The faux pas Coasting on your cardio
The facts Sticking with the same aerobic workout can sabotage your results as much as pushing too hard. To truly boost your fitness (which enables you to burn more calories with less effort), you need to venture outside your comfort zone a couple of times a week, to the point where you're somewhat winded and can feel your heart pounding.
The fix Instead of zoning out or doing moderate-intensity cardio all the time, mix in some high-intensity intervals twice a week. For instance, after warming up for 10 minutes on the treadmill, increase the speed or incline for 30 seconds to 1 minute, then recover with 1–3 minutes of easy-to-moderate exercise. Keep alternating for 10–20 minutes, then cool down. You also may want to do longer high-intensity intervals -- say, 5 minutes -- where you don't push quite as hard as you do on the shorter ones.

5. The faux pas Lifting the wrong amount of weight
The facts If you lift weights that are too light, you won't see improvements in strength, tone or bone density. If you lift weights that are too heavy, you'll compromise proper form, increasing your injury risk. You'll also be forced to recruit additional muscles, for instance, using your entire body to complete a biceps curl, thus cheating the targeted muscles of a good workout.
The fix For the most significant strength building, perform 4–6 repetitions per set; for more moderate strength building, perform 8–12 repetitions per set, choosing weights heavy enough that you struggle through your final few reps, but not so heavy that your form falls apart. If you get to your final rep and feel that you could perform another one, increase the weight by 5–10 percent. You may find that when you've considerably increased the amount of weight you're using, you'll drop to fewer reps, which is fine, as long as your targeted muscles are fatigued by the final rep. Don't worry: Lifting to fatigue will not leave you with monstrous muscles.

THE EXERCISES
6. Squat
The faux pas Letting your knees shoot ahead of your toes, lifting your heels, dropping your knees inward
The facts These mistakes place excess pressure on the tendons and ligaments of the knee.
The fix Holding a dumbbell in each hand, stand with your feet hip-width apart, legs straight but not locked, chest lifted, abs contracted. Keep body weight toward heels and bend knees to sit back and down, lowering thighs to as parallel a position to ground as possible, torso erect and knees aligned with ankles (shown). Straighten legs to stand back up. Strengthens buttocks, quadriceps and hamstrings

7. Bent-over lat row
The faux pas Rounding your spine and not flexing from your hips, pulling the weights up too far behind you The facts These mistakes place stress on your spine and reduce the demand on your back muscles, making the move less effective.
The fix Stand with feet hip-width apart and hold a dumbbell in each hand, arms by sides. Bend knees and flex forward from hips at about 90 degrees. Let arms hang in line with shoulders, palms facing in. Contract abs to support back. Draw shoulder blades down and together; maintaining body position, bend elbows up and in toward waist until upper arms are in line with torso and forearms are perpendicular to ground, knuckles pointing down (shown). Slowly straighten arms to starting position without changing torso position. Strengthens middle back, rear shoulders and biceps

8. Triceps kickback
The faux pas Swinging your upper arm, dropping your opposite shoulder, trying to lift your arm and the weight too high behind you The facts When you make any of these mistakes, your triceps aren't sufficiently challenged, and you also may place stress on your shoulder and elbow joints.
The fix Hold a dumbbell in your right hand and stand to the right of the long side of a bench, feet hip-width apart or in a staggered stance. (You also can kneel on the bench with your left knee.) Flex forward at hips at about 90 degrees, and place left hand on bench for support. Keeping torso stationary, bend right elbow so upper arm is parallel to ground and forearm is perpendicular to ground, palm facing in. Position elbow close to waist and contract abs. Keeping upper arm still, use triceps to straighten arm behind you until end of dumbbell points down (shown). Slowly bend elbow to return to perpendicular position. Strengthens triceps

9. Crunch
The faux pas Jerking your neck, not lifting shoulders, failing to engage abs The facts These mistakes will result in a sore neck, and your abs won't get any firmer.
The fix Lie on your back with knees bent and feet flat on mat, hip-width apart. Place hands behind head, thumbs behind ears, fingers unclasped. Hold elbows out to the sides. Contracting abs, draw hips and lower ribs together, keeping buttocks relaxed. Without pulling on neck or drawing elbows in, curl up and forward, keeping head and neck relaxed as shoulder blades lift off mat (shown). Hold, then slowly lower back down. Strengthens abdominals

10. Dumbbell bench fly
The faux pas Lowering your arms too far The facts This mistake places major stress on your shoulders and rotator cuff, the delicate muscles that sit underneath the shoulders. Plus, it becomes difficult to press arms up and use the chest muscles effectively.
The fix Lie faceup on bench, knees bent and feet on edge. Hold a dumbbell in each hand, arms extended above midchest, in a slight arc, palms in. Contract abs and keep chin level. Maintaining elbow arc, lower elbows down and out to the side until they are even with or slightly below shoulders (shown). Press dumbbells up and in to starting position, without letting dumbbells touch or allowing shoulder blades to rise off the bench. Strengthens chest and front shoulders

Mistake-proof your mind
Your attitude may be the one final adjustment you need to maximize your results. Avoid these three mental missteps:

Focusing on the numbers
Instead of worrying over how many calories you burn or steps you climb, focus on the energy and the strength you feel and how wonderfully you're treating your body. While monitoring your intensity and applying the numbers to ensure you're mixing things up enough is critical for optimum progress, you should simply be aware, not fixating.

Obsessing over one body part
Focusing too much on your "problem area" can backfire, causing you to neglect other muscle groups that are as important for your appearance as they are for your fitness. For instance, if your midsection is your main concern, doing hundreds of crunches isn't the answer; sure, do ab exercises for tone, but don't forget that developing your chest, back and shoulders can take the focus off your middle. Always strive for a balanced workout.

Shying away from the unfamiliar
It's only natural to be intimidated by equipment you've never used or classes you've never taken. But venturing into new territory may be just the ticket to better results. If you've been avoiding free weights, ask a trainer to teach you a few dumbbell exercises; if you've shied away from Spinning, hop on a bike. Getting past your fears also will give you a sense of accomplishment and confidence -- and what could feel better than conquering the unknown?


© 2008 Weider Publications, LLC, a subsidiary of American Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Cell Phone Alert!

Warning sa mahilig sa cell phone

Don't charge your mobile the whole night.
Never answer a cell phone while it is being RECHARGED !!
A few days ago, a person was recharging his cell
phone
at home. Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the
instrument still connected to the outlet. After a few seconds
Electricity
flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to
the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to
find
him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was
rushed
to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. Cell
phones
are a very useful modern invention. However, we must be aware that it
can
also be an instrument of death! Never use the cell phone while it is
hooked to the electrical outlet !

Friend and Foe: Dealing With Workplace 'Frenemies'

Clea Badion, The Creative Group, Yahoo! HotJobs



Have you ever been excited to show a friend your new shorter, sassier haircut only to have the person say, "I was just reading that long hair is really hot right now"?
People like this -- enemies disguised as friends -- are known as "frenemies" and are common in life. In fact, you may know them best from work. Unfortunately, few things can wreak havoc on your career like a colleague who seems friendly to your face and is anything but behind your back.
What do you do when you discover a frenemy at your gate? Following are some tips:
Emphasize collaboration. Even frenemies can sometimes work productively together. A large company, for example, might ask its advertising and promotional agencies -- competitors -- to collaborate on an international product launch. Borrow a page from this playbook and always focus on how you and a frenemy can collaborate on a common cause. For the sake of the success of the project, emphasize the importance of putting any differences aside.
Call their bluff. Imagine a colleague you've been friendly with takes full credit for a project on which you did half the work. Your best course of action is to have a private, straightforward conversation with him or her. Diplomatically tell your coworker how you feel and listen to the response. It's possible the situation is the result of a misunderstanding. Though confronting a true frenemy won't necessarily change his or her behavior, the person will know you're not an easy target.
Clarify your role. When working with a frenemy, draw clear lines between duties. Be sure each of you is assigned specific tasks, and then document your areas of responsibility so there is no confusion. Indeed, it's generally best to overcommunicate and overdocument when dealing with a frenemy.
Speak up at team meetings about your areas of responsibility and provide regular, written updates to those you report to; this way, if a frenemy stretches the truth about his or her involvement, you can confidently point out the discrepancy. Clear, direct communication also makes it more challenging for anyone to question which ideas and contributions are yours.
Remain professional. If you've been burned by someone, it may be tempting to give the person a taste of his or her own medicine. But it's best to behave in a professional, tactful manner while also keeping your guard up. As with gossip or office politics, you should remain above the fray as much as possible. If you get involved in a tit-for-tat game, it can damage your own reputation.
Don't feed the frenzy. Along the same lines, make sure you aren't creating a competitive atmosphere with your own actions. Subtle behaviors and attitudes -- appearing like you know more because you've been at the firm longer than a colleague, or assuming you should be awarded a corner office because you brought in a new client -- can make an enemy out of a work friend.
The best approach for dealing with a frenemy? Focus on producing great work and demonstrating your professionalism to your manager and colleagues. While you can't control your frenemy's actions, you can be a straight shooter yourself -- and cover your bases by documenting your successes.
The Creative Group is a specialized staffing service placing creative, advertising, marketing and Web professionals with a variety of firms on a project basis. For more information, visit creativegroup.com.

Noodles

SA MGA MAHILIG KUMAIN NG PANSIT, PASTA O ANUMANG NOODLES, KONTI LANG SA GABI BAKA HINDI NA KAYO MAGISING.

It seems only MALES are afflicted with this.
We had a co-staff/driver from FAO who died last month from
supposedly BANGUNGOT-- leaving a housewife and 3 very young kids.

IMPORTANT: Never go thirsty when going to bed and be
sure you have plenty of water during your 8-hour rest.
Bangungot has killed a male nurse of UERMMH. It is sudden death in adults
which cause them to die while sleeping. Many theories have
been put forward as its cause. However, here is an article which
sheds some
light to the cause of this malady. Please read on:

Article from THE PHILIPPINE STAR:
The reported cause of actor Rico Yan's death is nightmare or
bangungot. Medical investigators in China , Japan and several Asian
countries who performed autopsies on persons who died from "acute
hemorrhagic pancreatitis" found out that the majority of them had
eaten NOODLES as their supper. This was a startling finding.

However, it wasn't the noodles that caused nightmares but
DEHYDRATION. Imbibing even with a few drinks of alcohol or just
eating noodles immediately before bedtime compound this on an empty
stomach will trigger an electrolyte imbalance and other factors that
causes a person to dehydrate or lose water.

It is therefore advisable for a person to take several glasses of
water before bedtime if he had a few or several alcoholic drinks.
Avoid eating noodles before bedtime, but if you can not avoid it,
all ow at least two hours for the body to digest the noodles before
hitting the sack and drink plenty of water.

The most important thing is, never go thirsty when going to bed and
be sure you have plenty of water during your 8-hour rest.________________________________________________________________

Lessons from 'Heartbreak Academy'

-- Do you have trouble with love? Can't quite figure out what keeps going wrong? Maybe it's time to take a love lesson from Heartbreak Academy!

A heartbreak can be a chance to teach yourself lessons about the love you need in your life.

Ah, yes, the exquisite agony of heartbreak. We who have experienced it know that romantic love is a fall-in, crawl-out proposition: When you're bonding with that special someone, everything is wondrously effortless; when the relationship hits the skids, getting through an ordinary day feels like climbing Everest without supplemental oxygen.
But every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.
The only way to graduate from Heartbreak Academy is to really master the material, and that means absorbing crucial lessons about your true self, your true needs and the nature of true love. Learn more about Heartbreak Academy.
How to make it through Heartbreak Academy
I was in my first semester of Unilateral Torture 262, a class I'd taken three or four times already, when I stumbled across a concept in a psychology textbook that finally allowed me to learn my lesson and move on. I don't remember anything else about that book, but I recall one crucial sentence perfectly. "Some patients," it said, "mistakenly believe that their loneliness is a product of another person's absence." I stopped and reread this maybe 10 times, but it still baffled me. I could have sworn that my loneliness was a product of my ex-significant other's absence. If not, then what on earth was it?
Finally, slowly, over the next several days, weeks, years, the light dawned: My loneliness, and the antidote to it, did not come from the significant others I'd loved and lost. I'd been emotionally isolated before I ever fell in love. Something about certain people helped me lower the drawbridge over the moat that separated me from the world, but in the final analysis, I was the one who'd actually done the trick. The power to bring me out of solitude -- or to push me back into it -- had never belonged to any other person. It was mine and only mine.
This realization is the most important thing you need to get through Heartbreak Academy with minimum effort and maximum positive effect. Realizing that your heartbreak is not a product of the other person's absence brings the pain into an arena where you can work with it, instead of riveting your attention on some missing lover you may never see again and could never really control.
Your Heartbreak study guide
Each time you find yourself longing for the love that was, asking yourself the following study-guide questions will help you learn the lessons of heartbreak and move on to a relationship that works.
Study question #1: How old do I feel?
Most often, heartbroken people are unknowingly grieving a loss or trauma rooted in childhood or adolescence. That's because we tend to fall in love with people who remind us of those who cared for us -- even badly -- when we were young and totally vulnerable. We become childlike when we feel securely adored, letting go of all inhibition. The failure of adult relationships is often caused by the dysfunctions we internalized as children, and the devastation we endure when we're rejected almost always opens ancient wounds, making us feel as bereft as an abandoned little kid.
If you ask yourself how old you feel when you're in the worst throes of heartbreak, you'll probably find that a surprisingly low number pops into your head. Whatever the age of your grieving inner child, it's your job to comfort her, as you would help a toddler or a teen who had lost a parent. Do small, practical, caring things for yourself: Listen to a song that helps you grieve, schedule a play date with your best friend, wrap a soft blanket around yourself and let the tears come. Most important of all, give your childish self the chance to talk. Open your journal or visit your therapist, and let yourself express your anger and anguish in all its irrational, immature glory.
As you do this, you will almost certainly find yourself grieving losses you suffered way back when, as well as the one you've just endured. This is good: It means you are finally progressing beyond ways of thinking and acting that didn't work for you early in your life -- and still aren't working today. Acknowledging and comforting that younger self is absolutely essential to easing your pain, recovering from your wounds, and finding new sources of healthy love.
Study question #2: What did my lost love help me believe about myself?
Look back on the time when you were falling in love, and you'll realize that though much (or some) of your time with your lover was fabulous, the relationship made you happy even when the two of you were physically apart. The really potent part of love is that it allows you to carry around beliefs about yourself that make you feel special, desirable, precious, innately good. To graduate from Heartbreak Academy, you have to learn that neither your ex-beloved nor the fact of being in love invested you with these qualities. Your lover couldn't have seen them in you, even temporarily, if they weren't part of your essential being.
Make a list of all the things you let yourself believe when you saw yourself mirrored in loving eyes. Write them as facts: I'm fascinating. I'm beautiful. I'm funny. I'm important. Realize that you chose to believe these things in the context of your relationship, and now that the relationship is over, you have another choice: either to reject a loving view of yourself or to believe the truth.
But, you may say, 'What if these positive things aren't really true at all? What if the truth is that I'm hopelessly unlovable?' Well, let me remind you that when you believe you're an insignificant bird dropping on the sooty gray pavement of life, you feel unspeakably horrible.
On the other hand, when you opt for believing what love once taught you about yourself, the core of your despair is replaced by sweetness, however bitter your subsequent loss. I say, use what works. Self-concept is a self-fulfilling prophecy: When we let ourselves believe that we're wonderfully attractive, we act wonderfully attractive. By letting yourself believe the most loving things your ex ever said about you, you can get rid of the bathwater but keep the baby, honoring and preserving what was precious in your relationship, while letting go of the pain.
Study question #3: What did my relationship give me permission to do?
Being in love is so intoxicating, that special person so compelling, that lovers often drop some of the obligations and rules that dominated their lives before they met. When you're in love, you may forget that you don't usually allow yourself to splurge on perfume, or write poetry, or be wildly sexual, or say no to invitations you'd rather not accept. When your relationship is over, the bleak prospect of going back to the rules can drive you to the brink of despair, making you pine obsessively for your lost love to return and free you again. Eliminate the middleman. Free yourself.
You can start by making another list. This time, write down all the forbidden things you allowed yourself to do when you were madly in love with someone who was madly in love with you. Now give yourself permission to do all those things anyway.
By Martha Beck from "O, The Oprah Magazine," February 2003 E-mail to a friend
Subscribe to O, The Oprah Magazine for up to 75% off the newsstand price. That's like getting 18 issues FREE. Subscribe now!
TM & © 2007 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Get more advice from Martha Beck. She is the author of "Leaving the Saints," "The Joy Diet," "Finding Your Own North Star" and "Expecting Adam."
All About Relationships

Today I decided to be happy and let you go..............I don’t get mad, I get even.

Why love goes wrong

By Grace Shangkuan Koo

Inquirer



I took post-doctorate studies at Harvard a few years ago and, as part of the course work in Adult Development, my classmates and I shared our life stories. All five of us had experienced marriage. But one had divorced after 12 years of marriage and another, after 22 years; one was childless, the other a single mother. A third had just reconciled with her spouse after a long separation; she was childless but had adopted two “difficult boys.” The fourth one was married but childless for 22 years. I remained the only one married with kids.


The last to speak, I was hesitant, wondering if my story would sound so different and be interpreted as boastful. I said rather quickly and softly that I counted myself of “good fortune” to have had a most supportive husband and two lovely, well-behaved teenage children (then aged 18 and 15). I recounted episodes of our life and my group mates sighed with envy, at the same time asking me to share more.

Since then I have had many more of the same experience listening to middle-age women in seminars and even in church groups. I have heard stories of divorce, separation, annulment, singlehood, single parenting, fighting over custody of the children, seeking revenge for spouse’s infidelity, etc.And I wonder: Why should my story be counted among the exception?

Loving the wrong person

I believe the problem of most failed marriages is caused by not giving sufficient thought to the trustworthiness of the other person, and also of oneself.
Trustworthiness should be the No. 1 consideration in deciding marriage—not looks, money, power, family, etc.
I am often amazed at how an otherwise intelligent, accomplished person can be so foolish in love, falling for obviously untrustworthy persons who are glib and glamorous but decidedly dishonest!
To commit one’s life and future to someone one cannot trust in the first place is marital suicide. One has also to consider if one’s self is trustworthy enough for a lasting commitment.

Love in the wrong place

It pains me to see on TV girls suffering from anorexia, women living for their 39th plastic surgery, liposuction portrayed as a standard procedure, botox injection seen as lunch break. To think that a makeover could get the best suitor or win back a philandering husband is self-destruction.
If an inflated bust or a deflated tummy makes one’s spouse change his mind so quickly about commitment and magically increase “his ability to love” another more and longer, one can be sure his love is not worthy.
And have we not noticed that even beauty queens and actresses, who possess more than their fair share of beauty, have also been betrayed and abandoned?Love is not about a higher nose, deeper eyelids, smaller hips or shinier hair.

Love for the wrong purpose

“Why do people get married?” I asked my graduate students in Adult Learning class.
The discussion was noisier than normal as everyone had an opinion: Social expectation? Build a family? Sex? Career move? Money? Convenience? Migration? Love?
The young talk of romantic love as if they know it best! The old talk of pragmatic goal much like they have lost faith in love.
Women dream of a family in picture-perfect sense. Men look for sex in progressive perfect tense!
Is there a purpose in marriage? Should there be one? Is unplanned marriage more romantic than planned? How much thinking should be involved in decision?The bottom line for me is: If one does not have the ability to love someone unselfishly enough to protect and cherish her/him, to look after her/his best interest—sometimes above his/her own—and to do so for a lifetime, I don’t think the relationship will last.

Love at the wrong price

When I hear people sharing tearfully about the hardships and pain that come with marriage, I wonder if marriage is actually a blessing for them.
Why the suffering and misery? Are we to be masochistic in love? Isn’t love supposed to be something wonderful and fun, and marriage and family a joy?
I suspect there are too many martyrs of their own making. I meet people whose self-esteem and confidence are so low, expectations so nonexistent that they are willing to put up with anything!
Not having experienced true love from their family, many are willing to throw away the most basic caution to the wind and have their last ounce of dignity trampled—for the cheap thrill of “love.”
Marriage is a partnership of two equals and the price that they give should not be unreasonably skewed to one side.
Love does not have to be blind. Blaise Pascal says, “Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too.”

The Numerology of Names

By: Amanda Coggin


There is a reason why you have your name and it’s not because it sounded classy in the gossip pages of the New York Post (which is where my mom found my name). Your birth name paired with numerology can enlighten you on what motivates you in life, what warrants your true expression, and the lasting impression you leave on others when you exit a room.
It started with Pythagoras, the Greek mathematician who invented the a2 + b2 = c2 Pythagorean Theorem, the only equation I remember from eleventh grade geometry. In 6th century BCE, Pythagoras combined mysticism with mathematics to construct a quotient about the future of one’s life. He coined it Pythagorean numerology and used numbers assigned to the letters in one’s full name (as well as using the numbers in one’s date of birth). The numerology determined what innate abilities one was given at birth to determine what might happen late in life, and it has become the source for modern numerology today.
How Numerology WorksWhen working with a name, numbers have corresponding letters. The numbers are added up and broken down into single digits in order to give you your final Destiny Number.
The Number Assignments
1= A, J, S
2= B, K, T
3= C, L, U
4= D, M, V
5= E, N, W
6= F, O, X
7= G, P, Y
8= H, Q, Z
9= I, R
How to Find Your Destiny Number
Write down your full name (first, middle, and last). This is the name you were given at birth—not your married name, etc.
Using the table above, write down the number matched to each letter in each name (i.e. AMANDA = 1, 4, 1, 5, 4, 1).
Add the numbers together for each name (i.e. 1+4+1+5+4+1= 16).
You will most likely get a double digit for each name; break down each double digit number you get by adding the first and second digit to get one number (i.e. from the 16 above, add together 1+6 to get 7, which is the number for my first name).
Add up the final numbers you get from each name (i.e. my middle name number is 8 and my last name number is 10, so 7+8+10 = 25).
Once again, break down any double-digit numbers into one digit to get your final Destiny Number (i.e. from the 25 above, add together 2+5 to get 7, which is my final Destiny Number).
In numerology, the basic vibrations are numbers 1 through 9, but the numbers 11 and 22 are master numbers and should not be reduced to a single digit since these are master vibrations.
There are plenty of books and Web sites that will give you a thorough analysis of your Destiny Number, but here’s a basic rundown on what your Destiny Number means for you:
1 is determined, autonomous, and self-reliant
2 is loyal, tactful, and analytical
3 is passionate, positive, and fun-loving
4 is sensible, traditional, and serious
5 is bold, temperamental, and sensual
6 is responsible, cautious, and domestic
7 is spiritual, unconventional, and somewhat reclusive
8 is money-oriented, assured, and authoritative
9 is versatile, compassionate, and worldly
11 is enlightened, deep, and high-strung
22 is ambitious, a global planner, and motivated
I looked further into my 7, and found this interpretation through About Numerology.
“A Destiny number of 7 means you will find fulfillment through teaching others. By pursuing an ongoing quest for knowledge and then sharing your findings with your fellow man ... be it through teaching, writing or some other means ... you will bring joy into your own life. By following your destiny, your life should be an interesting life, one full of the exploration of science, mysteries, the occult, or other fascinating fields.”
When I think about the Amanda in me that I know, the explanation above sums me right up. Perhaps there’s more to numbers than I originally thought.
Related story: What’s In a Name?
First published April 2008
Find this article at:
http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/32649/47178-numerology-names

Give your heart an empathy workout

-- I can't say I always enjoy cardiovascular exercise. I don't think anyone does. Oh, I've seen those infomercials featuring models whose granite abs and manic smiles become even more sharply defined at the very sight of workout equipment. But as we all know, these people are from Neptune.
Being an Earth-human myself, I strongly resist abandoning my customary torpor to participate in perky physical activity of any kind. Nevertheless, I do cardio pretty regularly. I do it because I know my heart was designed to handle such challenges, because once I get started, I feel that it's doing me good, and because if I stop for very long, my health begins to atrophy.
There's another form of cardio that works much the same way, though it affects the emotional heart rather than the one made of auricles and ventricles. This workout consists of deliberately cultivating empathy. To empathize literally means "to suffer with," to share the pain of other beings so entirely that their agony becomes our own. I know this sounds like a terrific hobby for a masochistic moron, but hear me out.
The reason to develop a capacity for empathy, and then exercise it regularly, is that only a heart strengthened by this kind of understanding can effectively deliver the oxygen of the spirit: love.
Exercise One: Learning to listen
I know one wise old man who has been working at empathy every day since becoming a meditation master early in his life. He matter-of-factly describes a state of complete empathic fitness as a "continuous emotional orgasm." Who's with me now? Let's talk about your exciting new cardio workout!
If you want to feel that you belong in the world, a family or any relationship, you must tell your story. But if you want to see into the hearts of other beings, your first task is to hear their stories. Many people are gifted storytellers. Only the empathic are true story-hearers. To become one of these people, start with conversation. Once a day, ask a friend, "How are you?" in a way that says you mean it. If they give you a stock answer ("Fine"), repeat the question: "No, really. How are you?"
You'll soon realize that if your purpose is solely to understand, rather than to advise or protect, you can work a kind of magic: In the warmth of genuine caring, people open up like flowers. You'll be amazed by the stories you'll hear when you use this simple strategy with your children, your next-door neighbor, your aunt Flossie. You'll learn things you never knew you never knew. Even if you're not in the company of people, you can work to increase your story-hearing techniques.
Books, movies, songs -- stories told in any artistic medium can give you an empathy workout. To grow stronger, find stories that are unfamiliar. If you read, watch, or hear only things you know well, you're looking for validation, not an expansion of empathy. There's nothing wrong with that, but to achieve high levels of fitness, focus once a week on the story of someone who seems utterly different from you.
Exercise Two: Reverse engineering
Some mechanical engineers spend their time disassembling machines to see how they were originally put together. You can use a similar technique to develop empathy, by working backward from the observable effects of emotion to the emotion itself.
Think of someone you'd like to understand -- your enigmatic boss, your distant mother, the romantic interest who may or may not return your affections. Remember a recent interaction you had with this person -- especially one that left you baffled as to how they were really feeling.
Now imitate, as closely as you can, the physical posture, facial expression, exact words, and vocal inflection they used during that encounter. Notice what emotions arise within you. What you feel will probably be very close to whatever the other person was going through. For example, when I "reverse engineer" the behavior of people I experience as critical or aloof, I usually find myself flooded with feelings of shyness, shame, or fear. It's a lesson that has saved me no end of worry and defensiveness.
I train life coaches to use reverse engineering in real time by subtly matching clients' body language, vocal tone, even breathing rate. It's so effective that clients often think the coach must be psychic -- how else could anyone "get them" so quickly and completely? Elementary, my dear Watson. The body shapes itself in response to emotion, and shaping one's own body to match someone else's is a quick ticket to empathy.
Exercise Three: Shape-shifting
In folklore, shape-shifters are beings with the ability to become anyone or anything. As a child, I was fascinated by this concept and used to pretend that I could instantaneously switch places with other people, animals, even inanimate objects. What if I woke up one morning in the body -- and the life --of my best friend, or a bank robber, or the president? What if, like Kafka's fictional Gregor, I suddenly became a cockroach? (You could find people who think I've actually done this.) My point is, what would it feel like to be them? How would I cope? What would I do next?
I still play this game, especially in public places. I recommend you try it, soon. See that strange man in the orange polyester suit putting 37 packets of sweetener into his extra-grande mochaccino with soy milk? What if -- zap! -- you suddenly switched bodies with him? What would it be like to wear that suit, that face, that physique? What impulse would lead to sugaring a cup of coffee like that, let alone drinking it?
I can feel this shape-shifting developing my empathy. It gives my heart a stretch, makes me entertain unfamiliar thoughts and feelings, leaving me with the sensation that I've completed a stomp session on an emotional StairMaster. And if I want to ramp up my workout, it's just a short hop to some practices that work even better, and have been tested for centuries.
The thing about cardio is that once you get used to it, you can feel it making you stronger, calming you down improving your quality of life. Regular empathy practice keeps you on the edge of your emotional fitness, but the benefits are enormous: an awareness of union that banishes loneliness, a natural ability to connect and relate to others, protection from idiot compassion, a wider, deeper life. As your empathy grows, you'll find that it's infinite and that through it, you transcend your isolation and find yourself at home in the universe. I promise, it'll do your heart good.
By Martha Beck from "O, The Oprah Magazine," March 2006 E-mail to a friend
Subscribe to O, The Oprah Magazine for up to 75% off the newsstand price. That's like getting 18 issues FREE. Subscribe now!
TM & © 2007 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Martha Beck is the author of "Leaving the Saints," 'The Joy Diet," "Finding Your Own North Star" and "Expecting Adam."

WARNING TO ALL FEMALES - WIVES, DAUGHTERS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

Bottled water in your car can be very dangerous . This was how Sheryl Crow got breast cancer. She was on the Ellen show and said this same exact thing. This has been identified as the most common cause of the high levels in breast cancer, especially in Australia .. A friend whose mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The Doctor told her: women should not drink bottled water that has been left in a car. The doctor said that the heat and the plastic of the bottle have certain chemicals that can lead to breast cancer. So please be careful and do not drink bottled water that has been left in a car, and, pass this on to all the women in your life. This information is the kind we need to know and be aware and just might save us!!!! The heat causes toxins from the plastic to leak into the water and they have found these toxins in breast tissue. Use a stainless steel Canteen or a glass bottle when you can !!! LET EVERYONE WHO HAS A WIFE / GIRLFRIEND / DAUGHTER KNOW THIS, PLEASE


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Dining Out

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand
the need for the service to be faster, this short
story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make
a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter
brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and
saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"

Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After
several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better
prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom. by tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it
back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon."

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