'Don't fight in front of the kids' and other advice you can ignore
By Fernanda Moore
The world is full of advice for married couples, newlyweds or not -- some of it commonsensical, most of it well-intentioned, and much of it wrong. In the 14 years we've been married, my husband and I have broken all the rules at least once -- and when I copped to friends, most of them gleefully admitted they'd done the same.
Having a baby puts enormous strain on your relationship. One solution? Simple acknowledgment.
So I asked them to go on the record as we figured out the biggest myths about marriage. With the help of a few experts (themselves veterans of long, kid-filled relationships), we've decoded what bits of conventional wisdom are worth tossing -- and what are worth tweaking -- from the suggestions we've all heard since walking down the aisle.
Myth: Never go to bed angry
It sounds reasonable -- why risk letting a fight smolder overnight only to flare up again the next day? Better to resolve things, sleep soundly, and start fresh.
What we say: Just agree to disagree until morning -- especially if it's midnight, there's no resolution in sight, and you're dying on the vine. After all, not every argument comes with a built-in time limit.
When Brooke Kline of Rohnert Park, California, and her husband wave a temporary white flag and hit the sheets, they see the issue more clearly in the morning. "We aren't so caught up in our emotions," says this mom of a 9-month-old.
Alternately, agreeing beforehand to make up can take the edge off a disagreement. Rachel Kincade of Fort Hood, Texas, says when she can't resolve a conflict with her husband, they have to spend the next day saying or doing nice things for the other person. "By the end of the day, you feel so pumped up on compliments that you just can't stay mad!"
Parenting.com: Love and war
Of course, going to sleep angry isn't great. But here's the bright side: "Even if you go to bed mad and sleep in separate rooms once in a while, you'll be OK -- and so will the relationship," says David Wexler, Ph.D., author of "When Good Men Behave Badly" (and a dad of two who has been married for 24 years).
Myth: Having a baby brings you closer
When my older son was born, my normally reticent husband and I suddenly had a million things to talk about. (Of course, we spent most of our time talking about one subject: the baby! The baby! And did I mention the baby?)
But then my husband went back to work, the traitor. And the baby got colic. And the thrill of nursing all night and staggering around like a zombie all day began to wear thin. Naturally, I couldn't take my frustrations out on my precious tiny bundle... but I had to blame someone. Guess who?
What we say: Having a baby is the ultimate bonding experience. But it also puts enormous strain on your relationship. One solution? Simple acknowledgment -- couples tend to have problems when they expect everything to go smoothly.
You'll also definitely need help with the unbelievable physical labor babies require. "Delegate. If you're good at the bedtime routine and your spouse loves bathtime, you can divide and conquer the tedious parts of parenting," says Karen Reivich, Ph.D., a research associate at the University of Pennsylvania's Positive Psychology Center, coauthor of "The Resilience Factor," and -- most important -- a mom of four who's been married for 14 years.
It helps to get away from the baby on a semi-regular basis. If a formal "date night" makes you cringe, or the logistics seem impossible, opt for something more low-key. "We don't leave the house because we can't afford a baby sitter, but every Wednesday night, after the kids are in bed, my husband and I have a glass of wine together as far away as possible from their bedrooms," says Reivich.
Myth: Spouses should be best friends as well as romantic partners
It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? After all, you and your husband know each other better than anyone else, so why wouldn't he be your best friend, too?
What we say: "Romantic relationships are different from friendships. One person can't be everything to you," says Andrea Smith, a mom of two in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania.
In other words, don't beat yourself up if it sometimes feels like you're closer to the mom next door than to your mate. "It would be great if your husband is someone you have fun with, respect, have great sex with, work well with as a parent, and is your soulmate. But almost no one gets all that in one relationship," says Wexler. And if you and your partner manage some of these things, "you've been blessed," he adds. The trick is to keep your bond going on some level. "Stay involved in your partner's life. When you separate in the morning, make sure you know at least one detail of each other's day -- and ask about it later," says Wexler. Parenting.com: Secrets of a made-to-last marriage
It helps to be grateful for what you do have. "Rick and I have been together since high school -- and he's not my best friend," says Deborah Coakley, a mom of three in Ridgewood, New Jersey. "But after everything we've gone through, he's definitely my most constant friend."
Myth: Don't worry about your (lack of) sex life
In the first months of babyhood, hormones, exhaustion, and what the baby books call being "touched out" -- a polite way to describe wanting to scream if one more human being comes within three feet of you -- all conspire to make sex seem only slightly more appealing than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
What we say: At the risk of sounding unenlightened, after you've had a baby (and especially after the second child), sex becomes absolutely critical to your relationship.
When you're busy, stressed, and seeing about one-tenth as much of each other, sex is the quickest and most rewarding way to reconnect with whatever scraps of the unencumbered and madly-in-love people you both used to be.
"My husband and I snap at each other nonstop when we haven't slept together in a while," says Coakley. And, sure, it's easy to put off sex -- after all, you live with the guy and tomorrow is another day. But don't. As a friend so memorably put it: "There's nothing like an orgasm and an absurdly grateful husband to improve your outlook on life."
You also don't have to fall for the notion that good sex requires an elaborate romantic getaway with your spouse -- that just sets you up for disappointment. It's better to take advantage of frequent stolen moments. "Embrace the quickie -- and widen your repertoire of what counts as good sex," says Reivich. Even if you don't go, as they say, all the way, physical contact of any kind is its own thrill.
Myth: Don't fight in front of the kids
When moms and dads fight, it's scary. Babies can tell when you're angry (and will probably get upset) and bigger kids will worry that the two of you are on the verge of a divorce.
What we say: It can be valuable for children to see their parents work through a disagreement with good will. Kids also need to learn that even people who love each other don't get along perfectly. "It's unrealistic to expect no conflict," says Smith. "If you never have a difference of opinion with your spouse, then you've obviously found someone who agrees with everything you think. How boring!"
In other words, it's fine -- even healthy -- for kids to witness your arguments. But there are caveats. (Aren't there always?) "When you argue in front of your kids, it's important to fight fair," says Reivich. "Instead of shouting 'You're a lazy slob!' say 'It really bothers me when you don't take out the trash.' Take issue with the action, not the person, and don't hurl insults." So if the fight is too intense, or there's no resolution in sight, table it until the kids aren't around.
Myth: Never take your spouse for granted
This is the secret of happy marriages, right? Because taking someone for granted means you've stopped appreciating that person.
What we say: Taking your beloved for granted in a marital context can actually mean you know you can count on him, depend on him, trust him -- that you are, without question, absolutely there for each other.
This might mean you've accepted certain roles within your family. "My husband and I definitely take each other for granted," says Jillian Waddell, a mom of one in Princeton, Massachusetts. "Scott works full-time -- which he never complains about, even though it's sometimes stressful." When you're married with children, feeling secure enough to lean on your spouse without worrying can be immensely liberating.
However, taking your loyal spouse for granted and treating him like dirt aren't the same thing. Simply expressing gratitude goes a long way. "My husband cooks dinner every night," says the incredibly lucky Reivich, "and though I'm used to it, I'm smart enough to know what a deal I've got. So I say, 'Gee, I don't even have to think about cooking dinner anymore, it's so wonderful, thank you,' every once in a while." And that's a piece of advice we all should follow. E-mail to a friend
Copyright 2007 The Parenting Group. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
Fernanda Moore has written for New York magazine.
All About Parenting
The world is full of advice for married couples, newlyweds or not -- some of it commonsensical, most of it well-intentioned, and much of it wrong. In the 14 years we've been married, my husband and I have broken all the rules at least once -- and when I copped to friends, most of them gleefully admitted they'd done the same.
Having a baby puts enormous strain on your relationship. One solution? Simple acknowledgment.
So I asked them to go on the record as we figured out the biggest myths about marriage. With the help of a few experts (themselves veterans of long, kid-filled relationships), we've decoded what bits of conventional wisdom are worth tossing -- and what are worth tweaking -- from the suggestions we've all heard since walking down the aisle.
Myth: Never go to bed angry
It sounds reasonable -- why risk letting a fight smolder overnight only to flare up again the next day? Better to resolve things, sleep soundly, and start fresh.
What we say: Just agree to disagree until morning -- especially if it's midnight, there's no resolution in sight, and you're dying on the vine. After all, not every argument comes with a built-in time limit.
When Brooke Kline of Rohnert Park, California, and her husband wave a temporary white flag and hit the sheets, they see the issue more clearly in the morning. "We aren't so caught up in our emotions," says this mom of a 9-month-old.
Alternately, agreeing beforehand to make up can take the edge off a disagreement. Rachel Kincade of Fort Hood, Texas, says when she can't resolve a conflict with her husband, they have to spend the next day saying or doing nice things for the other person. "By the end of the day, you feel so pumped up on compliments that you just can't stay mad!"
Parenting.com: Love and war
Of course, going to sleep angry isn't great. But here's the bright side: "Even if you go to bed mad and sleep in separate rooms once in a while, you'll be OK -- and so will the relationship," says David Wexler, Ph.D., author of "When Good Men Behave Badly" (and a dad of two who has been married for 24 years).
Myth: Having a baby brings you closer
When my older son was born, my normally reticent husband and I suddenly had a million things to talk about. (Of course, we spent most of our time talking about one subject: the baby! The baby! And did I mention the baby?)
But then my husband went back to work, the traitor. And the baby got colic. And the thrill of nursing all night and staggering around like a zombie all day began to wear thin. Naturally, I couldn't take my frustrations out on my precious tiny bundle... but I had to blame someone. Guess who?
What we say: Having a baby is the ultimate bonding experience. But it also puts enormous strain on your relationship. One solution? Simple acknowledgment -- couples tend to have problems when they expect everything to go smoothly.
You'll also definitely need help with the unbelievable physical labor babies require. "Delegate. If you're good at the bedtime routine and your spouse loves bathtime, you can divide and conquer the tedious parts of parenting," says Karen Reivich, Ph.D., a research associate at the University of Pennsylvania's Positive Psychology Center, coauthor of "The Resilience Factor," and -- most important -- a mom of four who's been married for 14 years.
It helps to get away from the baby on a semi-regular basis. If a formal "date night" makes you cringe, or the logistics seem impossible, opt for something more low-key. "We don't leave the house because we can't afford a baby sitter, but every Wednesday night, after the kids are in bed, my husband and I have a glass of wine together as far away as possible from their bedrooms," says Reivich.
Myth: Spouses should be best friends as well as romantic partners
It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? After all, you and your husband know each other better than anyone else, so why wouldn't he be your best friend, too?
What we say: "Romantic relationships are different from friendships. One person can't be everything to you," says Andrea Smith, a mom of two in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania.
In other words, don't beat yourself up if it sometimes feels like you're closer to the mom next door than to your mate. "It would be great if your husband is someone you have fun with, respect, have great sex with, work well with as a parent, and is your soulmate. But almost no one gets all that in one relationship," says Wexler. And if you and your partner manage some of these things, "you've been blessed," he adds. The trick is to keep your bond going on some level. "Stay involved in your partner's life. When you separate in the morning, make sure you know at least one detail of each other's day -- and ask about it later," says Wexler. Parenting.com: Secrets of a made-to-last marriage
It helps to be grateful for what you do have. "Rick and I have been together since high school -- and he's not my best friend," says Deborah Coakley, a mom of three in Ridgewood, New Jersey. "But after everything we've gone through, he's definitely my most constant friend."
Myth: Don't worry about your (lack of) sex life
In the first months of babyhood, hormones, exhaustion, and what the baby books call being "touched out" -- a polite way to describe wanting to scream if one more human being comes within three feet of you -- all conspire to make sex seem only slightly more appealing than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
What we say: At the risk of sounding unenlightened, after you've had a baby (and especially after the second child), sex becomes absolutely critical to your relationship.
When you're busy, stressed, and seeing about one-tenth as much of each other, sex is the quickest and most rewarding way to reconnect with whatever scraps of the unencumbered and madly-in-love people you both used to be.
"My husband and I snap at each other nonstop when we haven't slept together in a while," says Coakley. And, sure, it's easy to put off sex -- after all, you live with the guy and tomorrow is another day. But don't. As a friend so memorably put it: "There's nothing like an orgasm and an absurdly grateful husband to improve your outlook on life."
You also don't have to fall for the notion that good sex requires an elaborate romantic getaway with your spouse -- that just sets you up for disappointment. It's better to take advantage of frequent stolen moments. "Embrace the quickie -- and widen your repertoire of what counts as good sex," says Reivich. Even if you don't go, as they say, all the way, physical contact of any kind is its own thrill.
Myth: Don't fight in front of the kids
When moms and dads fight, it's scary. Babies can tell when you're angry (and will probably get upset) and bigger kids will worry that the two of you are on the verge of a divorce.
What we say: It can be valuable for children to see their parents work through a disagreement with good will. Kids also need to learn that even people who love each other don't get along perfectly. "It's unrealistic to expect no conflict," says Smith. "If you never have a difference of opinion with your spouse, then you've obviously found someone who agrees with everything you think. How boring!"
In other words, it's fine -- even healthy -- for kids to witness your arguments. But there are caveats. (Aren't there always?) "When you argue in front of your kids, it's important to fight fair," says Reivich. "Instead of shouting 'You're a lazy slob!' say 'It really bothers me when you don't take out the trash.' Take issue with the action, not the person, and don't hurl insults." So if the fight is too intense, or there's no resolution in sight, table it until the kids aren't around.
Myth: Never take your spouse for granted
This is the secret of happy marriages, right? Because taking someone for granted means you've stopped appreciating that person.
What we say: Taking your beloved for granted in a marital context can actually mean you know you can count on him, depend on him, trust him -- that you are, without question, absolutely there for each other.
This might mean you've accepted certain roles within your family. "My husband and I definitely take each other for granted," says Jillian Waddell, a mom of one in Princeton, Massachusetts. "Scott works full-time -- which he never complains about, even though it's sometimes stressful." When you're married with children, feeling secure enough to lean on your spouse without worrying can be immensely liberating.
However, taking your loyal spouse for granted and treating him like dirt aren't the same thing. Simply expressing gratitude goes a long way. "My husband cooks dinner every night," says the incredibly lucky Reivich, "and though I'm used to it, I'm smart enough to know what a deal I've got. So I say, 'Gee, I don't even have to think about cooking dinner anymore, it's so wonderful, thank you,' every once in a while." And that's a piece of advice we all should follow. E-mail to a friend
Copyright 2007 The Parenting Group. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
Fernanda Moore has written for New York magazine.
All About Parenting
the best evangelizer
We, the parents should be the first and the best to evangelized our children.
This is our prime obligation as a parent.
This is our prime obligation as a parent.
Lessons in Life
Don't Let someone become a priority in your life,
when you are just an option in their life...
Relationships work best when they are balanced.
~~~
Never explain yourself to any one.
Because the person who likes you doesn't need it,
and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.
~~~
When you keep saying you are busy,
then you are never free.
When you keep saying you have no time,
then you will never have time.
When you keep saying that you will do it tomorrow,
then your tomorrow will never come.
~~~
When we wake up in the morning, we have two simple choices.
Go back to sleep and dream, or wake up and chase those dreams.
Choice is yours...
~~~
We make them cry who care for us.
We cry for those who never care for us.
And we care for those who will never cry for us
This is the truth of life., its strange but true.
Once you realise this, its never too late to change.
~~~
Don't make promise when you are in joy.
Don't reply when you are sad.
Don't take decision when you are angry.
Think twice.., Act Wise.
~~~
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice,
because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life...
~~~
First I was dying to finish my high school and start college
And then I was dying to finish college and start working
Then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough
so I could go back to work.
But then I was dying to retire. And now I'm dying.
And suddenly I realized I forgot to live.
Please don't let this happen to you.
Appreciate your current
situation and enjoy each day.
~~~
When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms
A very inspiring story for married couple.....continue praying for the LOVE you have....
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped infront of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of thecar in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; Iwent into business and tried to make more money. When the assets weresteadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was acivil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost atthe same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.?
I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea ofdivorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be somethingimpossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matterhow mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.
Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently, she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide somethingwhile talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.
I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected tosee. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me,but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does,she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger.
So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling some what upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on mychest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a longtime. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She waspicking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a senseof pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.
She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got nofever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her untilI am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammedthe door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wifewhich was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped infront of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of thecar in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; Iwent into business and tried to make more money. When the assets weresteadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was acivil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost atthe same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.?
I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea ofdivorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be somethingimpossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matterhow mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.
Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently, she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide somethingwhile talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.
I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected tosee. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me,but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does,she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger.
So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling some what upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on mychest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a longtime. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She waspicking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a senseof pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.
She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got nofever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her untilI am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammedthe door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wifewhich was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.
Ease your burdens
Don't make life's difficulties even more difficult by filling your mind with resentment. Instead, ease your burdens by choosing to be truly thankful for them.
If you feel resentment starting to take hold, stop and consider this. There's nothing to be gained by bringing yourself down over what has already happened.
Use the occasion to remember all the things for which you can be thankful. Rise to the challenge of seeing the positive aspects that are surely there within any troubling situation.
Holding on to resentment will drain valuable energy away from you. Gratitude, on the other hand, can fill you with fresh, new positive energy.
Choose to see the value in your situation. Choose to look forward with confidence instead of looking backward with resentment.
Right now, there is much for which to be thankful. Focus on the positive possibilities, and find real joy in steadily bringing them to life.
Don't make life's difficulties even more difficult by filling your mind with resentment. Instead, ease your burdens by choosing to be truly thankful for them.
If you feel resentment starting to take hold, stop and consider this. There's nothing to be gained by bringing yourself down over what has already happened.
Use the occasion to remember all the things for which you can be thankful. Rise to the challenge of seeing the positive aspects that are surely there within any troubling situation.
Holding on to resentment will drain valuable energy away from you. Gratitude, on the other hand, can fill you with fresh, new positive energy.
Choose to see the value in your situation. Choose to look forward with confidence instead of looking backward with resentment.
Right now, there is much for which to be thankful. Focus on the positive possibilities, and find real joy in steadily bringing them to life.
-Ralph Marston
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