Photography: David Martinez; Styling: Beth Katz; Hair & Makeup: Betten Chaston; Talent: Look
"We have been taught to believe everyone else's needs come first, so we're often uncomfortable pursuing interests for our own satisfaction," says Dale Atkins, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York City and author of Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life. "But nurturing yourself doesn't take away from the other people. It just makes you happier, and that has a ripple effect: You're more self-reliant, more fun to be around, more vital, engaged, and
focused on what you have rather than what you lack. "
With that in mind, we asked experts from psychologists to life coaches for advice on how to find an activity that will help make life feel more fulfilling. While there's no one-size-fits-all prescription--a working mother will need something different from an empty nester or recent retiree--finding a solution takes less effort than you might think.
1. Look for Inspiration
To decide on an activity that would make you happy, Kathleen Hall, founder and ceo of The Stress Institute and author of A Life in Balance: Nourishing the Four Roots of Happiness, suggests fast-forwarding 30 or 40 years.
"Think about what you always wanted to accomplish," she says. Did you want to be a teacher? A philanthropist? An athlete? A world traveler? "Write down all your ideas, because that's your first step toward action," Hall says.
Another source of inspiration can come from your childhood. "Think back to what you enjoyed doing when you were younger," suggests Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Domar Center for Complementary Healthcare and author of Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else. "If you loved ballet at age eight, chances are you'll still love to dance." Or maybe you always wanted to take flying lessons but didn't want to do it while your children were young; if your kids are older, now's your chance. The sky's the limit.
If a plan does not come to you immediately, be patient. "It can take time to adapt to the idea of thinking about what you need," Domar says. Let curiosity guide you; make a list of things you'd like to learn about, and start researching them.
2. Examine Your Options
Next, determine if your ideas are realistic. "Look at what will fit your lifestyle," says Gail McMeekin, a Boston-based life coach and author of The Power of Positive Choices. "Do you have five hours a day, or do you measure free time in minutes?"
If your life is already busy, look for ways to parlay an activity you already do into something more gratifying. For instance, if you exercise regularly but want to spend more time with friends, merge the two activities by exercising with friends. Or make that time even more meaningful by finding friends who want to sign up for a charitable fitness activity, like an aids walk.
Ask about opportunities at your workplace, too. "Many companies encourage employees to get involved in philanthropic work, and some give employees time off for volunteering," says Jason Willett, spokesperson for VolunteerMatch. Another easy-to-fit-in option: Some charitable organizations have opportunities for virtual volunteering--tasks you can do on your home computer. Many organizations need writers and Web site designers, for instance. If you have children, look for activities that you and your family can do together.
3. Consider Taking a RiskWhile it can be gratifying to use familiar skills, don't be afraid to venture into the unknown with a new activity, especially if you have time on your hands to experiment. VocationVacations.com lets you sample a new career. For a fee, you can try your hand at everything from baking to fashion designing under the guidance of a professional in the field. "Getting out of your comfort zone can be exhilarating," says Jan Cullinane, co-author of The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life. "Adults sometimes become stuck in a rut because we think we have to be accomplished and competent at everything we do," she says. "But trying new things builds self-confidence because it shows you're capable of doing things you never dreamed you could do." Cullinane speaks from experience. "I'm in my 50s, and I just started playing tennis two years ago."
Think, too, about how a new hobby will complement your established activities. Volk says one of the things that appeals to her about knitting is the tangible reward for her effort--something she doesn't receive from implementing computer programs. At the end of the day, she produces something she can see and touch, not the ether of software codes.
Benefits Beyond Your Expectations
A new activity can bring unexpected possibilities--friendships, interests, and even career opportunities. "I know a woman who started training for a marathon at age 45 because she wanted to be more in touch with her body," Atkins says. "She not only completed the marathon, but now she is a fitness trainer. That one step led to so many other rewards."
Although adding another activity to an already busy schedule may seem like a recipe for overload, research has shown that people with multifaceted interests actually feel less stress than people whose lives are more narrowly focused. There are direct physical benefits, too. For example, several years ago, researchers from Washington University in St. Louis reported that adults who volunteer had higher measures of well-being than nonvolunteers--and the more hours of volunteering they put in, the bigger the boost. The happy, content feeling one experiences from helping others is so pervasive it even has a name: helper's high, a calm but energized feeling that may be the result of endorphins being released in the brain.
Make your new activity as much a part of your life as your job or your family, regardless of potential obstacles. "When something becomes a priority, you make it happen," Volk says. "I knit or crochet every night, either while I'm watching a movie with my kids or after they go to bed. If the kids are in bed, my husband reads to me while I knit. We pick a classic novel we've both wanted to read, so it ends up being time that's enriching in many ways."
Ginny Graves is a freelance writer in northern California. Her latest book, For Richer or Poorer: Keeping Your Marriage Happy When She's Making More Money, was recently published in paperback.
