In my opinion, the single most important part of raising a child is to be honest with them, about everything…always! If your child knows they can trust everything you say, then they will be more likely to trust you, and your judgment, on things that matter most. At age 4 my son asked me if Santa Claus was real. I responded with “what do you thing?” His assumption was correct. I have also learned that saying “I don’t know” is a better response that incorrect information. In the age of the internet you can say I don’t know, but let’s find out. When I talk to my son I speak to him as if he is an adult. If I say a word I think he may not understand, I ask him and explain if he doesn’t. He asks me questions about money, his body, relationships, people with special needs, diseases and even how babies get into a mothers’ tummy. I give him as simple of an answer as I can while still being honest. I occasionally talk to him about “grown-up things,” which he knows to keep private and not talk about outside of our home. These are things like his step-brother’s mom being hateful to my husband, why I left my sons’ father, and other things that may be hurtful or embarrassing if said to certain people. I feel if he is old enough to ask why, then he should get an answer, but it is still something private and should not be discussed with others.
The payoff – Closeness. There is nothing my son can’t talk to me about. He values my opinion and trusts that I will do the right thing.
Selflessness
Putting others before yourself was the moral that I was the most concerned with teaching my son. Children are by nature selfish. It is our job to teach them that they are not the only people whose feeling should be considered in making decisions. I have found that the best way to teach this is by example. On our way home from a night at Chucky Cheese, we came to a red light where there was a homeless man in the median with a sign that read "Hungry, please help." I asked my husband if there were leftovers from dinner. He parked the car, turned on the flashers, and popped the trunk. He hurried over to the man and gave him the to-go box from dinner and jumped back in the car. My son was confused and asked what was going on. We told him that not everyone has enough food to eat, and since we had extra, and this man was hungry, we gave him ours.
My son experienced selflessness at school when he lost his milk money. A girl in his class gave him one of her Yoo-Hoos. We made a big deal about how wonderful it was of her to be so generous and that he should make sure to thank her again for being so kind to him.
The payoff – My son knows that our family is having hard financial times. He gets a $5 allowance for having good behavior all week at school. We currently owe him $10 and I told him I would give it to him tonight. He said to me this morning, “Mommy, you don’t have to give me the $10. You can keep it to help pay bills.” It was all I could do to not burst into tears.
The Golden Rule
I began with telling my son, when I witnessed him being unkind to someone, that acting that way will make people think he is a bad person. I would also discuss with him how he would feel if someone had treated him that way. When he would do something nice for someone, I would make a big deal about what a good person he was for thinking of others. Now, at 7, he gets it. He doesn’t make fun of people; he doesn’t say hurtful things to people; he walks away when people are being unkind to him (though it is still difficult for him to understand why others are unkind); he doesn’t fight, and is very loving and thoughtful without being a pushover.
The payoff – I witnessed the neighbor boy teasing the Ice Cream Man by getting him to stop when he didn’t have ice cream money. He did it several times and the Ice Cream Man finally just drove off. Then the boy started screaming terrible things at the driver as he left. My son was standing next to him and another boy. As the other boy was laughing his head off, my son dropped his head and walked away. He came over to me and I asked him what was wrong. He said he was embarrassed to be friends with those boys because of how they treated that man.
Chivalry, Pride and Good Citizenship
These traits are learned directly from example. My son sees my husband open doors for women, so he does the same. He does not yet understand why ladies should get this special treatment, but likes the acknowledgement he receives for being “such a polite young man.” These types of acknowledgements lead him to feel pride in himself for doing the correct thing.
Acknowledging good behavior, academic effort, physical skill and good citizenship, all reinforce a sense of pride in oneself. This tiny little thing has made a huge difference in my child. He tries harder and goes out of his way to do well, to be thoughtful and help others because he knows it is the right thing to do, and it makes him feel good about himself. Even if I am not there to praise him, he knows I would be proud of him. I cannot stress how deeply I feel about finding a reason to praise children.
Good citizenship, to me, is the duty that comes with being a member of civilized society. Everyone has a responsibility to follow the law, and prevent those who don’t from harming others. Everyone has a duty to protect and defend from harm those who are weaker or less capable, such as the elderly, the mentally challenged, and the very young. This can be a difficult lesson to teach, but a very important one. My son and I once went to visit my friend who was taking care of his 95 year old grandmother. Grandmother could not walk unassisted and could barely still feed herself. She was very bony, and my son later told me she looked like a skeleton. When we went into her room she was noticeable pleased to see a child, and reached out her hand to greet him. He looked at me, as if asking “will she hurt me” and I nodded for him to go ahead. He held her hand and she said how nice and warm his hands felt.
The Payoff - He was terrified of her the entire time, but kept it hidden and began rubbing her hands to warm them up.
It is our job as parents to make sure our children are brave, and that they do the right things. There was an incident near our town where an 18 year old boy assaulted a 14 year old girl on a crowded school bus for 15 minutes, and no one did anything to help her. I thought to myself, “What are parents teaching their children? Are people really so scared and self-centered that they would keep walking if they saw someone being hurt? Well not my son!” I called him down to have a talk. I asked him what he would do if he saw someone hurting another person. He said he would try to help by calling an adult or calling the police. I told him that those are good responses, but I also said that if he felt he was big enough to stop what was going on, he should try. This goes for bullying, fights and other situations where someone is abusing another being. Yes, I know this could put him in harm’s way, but I have to ask myself “What kind of person do I want my son to be? The kind that keeps walking….or the kind that makes a difference? How would he feel if he didn’t help and something terrible happened to the victim?” In my opinion, it is better to be a battered hero than a pristine coward.
Tolerance, Discrimination & Racism
Tolerance is a virtue that even most adults struggle with. I don’t just mean different races, I mean anyone that is different than I am, which everyone is. We have to be tolerant of different belief systems, sexualities, countries, intelligence levels, disabilities, trends, fads and many other things that may not conform to who we are as a person. That doesn’t mean we have to embrace these differences, only learn to live with them in such a way that everyone can be themselves without fear of persecution. That is what our country is all about.
Racism and discrimination are learned behaviors. Unfortunately, my son has had to deal with discrimination. Two of the children in our neighborhood said their parents told them they could not play with my son because he and his family do not believe in God. I explained to him that sometimes when people believe something very strongly, it makes them very uncomfortable to be around other people who don’t believe the same thing. God is one of those things, and so is the thought that people of one skin color are better than people of another skin color. People have been killed, wars have been fought and people have been made slaves because of these beliefs. Even today, some people cannot accept that though we may look, act or think differently, we are really all the same. I’ve taught my son to use color to describe how people look, not what their race they are. He says brown people, tan people, white people instead of black people, Caucasian people or Irish people. People who live in America are Americans; people who live in China are Chinese; people who live in Egypt are Egyptian.
The Payoff - He is interested in people from different countries because he is likes to find out what is different there, and since he finds girls of all races beautiful, it is an excuse to strike up a conversation with all the pretty girls.
Children are a direct reflection of the people who raise them. I was lucky enough to learn these lessons in time to teach my child how to be a good person. Every day he amazes me with his openness, concern for others, and selflessness. He is turning into the kind of person I would be honored to have as a friend, a husband, a father and a role-model. What more can you ask for?
